The Counselling Shed
There are many versions of not enough:
not good enough
not smart enough
not clever enough
not attractive enough
not tough enough
not man enough
not big enough
not small enough
not pretty enough
not straight enough
not fit enough
not likeable enough
not successful enough
not rich enough
not important enough
not spiritual enough…
[feel free to insert your own word here].
I help people to regain a sense of self-acceptance, authenticity and vitality so that they can find their next steps forwards.
Here are some of the advantages:
No longer constantly comparing yourself to others.
No longer constantly trying to please others to make up for your sense of lack.
No longer constantly berating yourself or relating to yourself in a harsh or critical manner.
No longer feeling sad, low or depressed because you feel that you are not rich enough, talented enough or successful enough.
No longer feeling like an imposter in your job, relationship or life.
No longer obsessed with dieting, going to the gym or how you look.
No longer obsessed with your grades or your performance at work, or how well you are doing compared to your peers, friends or colleagues.
No longer fantasising about how much easier your life would be if you were somebody else.
No longer reliant on substances or behaviours as a way of distracting yourself from feeling that you are not enough.
Sure, you can still go to work, to the gym, be in a relationship, be successful, study, take care of how you look etc. but now with a sense of inner ease, authentic fulfilment and vitality.
How great would that feel?
The feeling of not being enough lurks in the background of a whole range of presenting issues such as low self-esteem, low mood, depression, relationship problems, lack of confidence, lack of certainty, lack direction in life, lack of purpose, anxiety, career problems, body image problems, addictions and obsessions, feeling lost etc.
In other words whilst you might be feeling depressed, or be powerless over an addictive behaviour, or be struggling with your career or relationship, if you dig down a little deeper, some version of ‘not enough’ can almost always be found.
The damaging psychological effect of feeling not enough can be profound and it can negatively affect us in multiple ways, preventing us from reaching our potential and inhibiting our enjoyment of, and satisfaction with, life.
With my counselling support, clients are able to explore where such negative and limiting beliefs have come from and they work towards growing a more generous, life enhancing and affirmative view of themselves.
‘Basically, men live under the pressure of one unrelenting message: Do not be perceived as weak.’
Brené Brown
In today’s world where ideals of masculinity include images of power, self-assuredness and determination, men are supposed to be strong and certain, they are supposed to be able to hold it all together.
Shame researcher Brené Brown says that metaphorically men are handed a box when young, with the words ‘CAUTION: Do Not Be Perceived as Weak’ stamped on the outside, whilst added to this is the cultural expectation: ‘You had better be great and all powerful’.
It is no wonder then that men commonly harbour feelings such as:
Am I successful enough?
Am I capable enough?
Am I rich enough?
Am I powerful enough?
Is my contribution important enough?
Am I big enough? (including status, popularity, height, phallus size, muscles…)
Am I certain enough about my direction in life?
All human beings experience times of self-doubt, uncertainty, fear, low mood, anxiety, sadness… but when men experience these feelings they can often feel as though something is wrong because they are not measuring up to this cultural ideal of being solid, stable and in control.
Men often fear being ridiculed or shamed for appearing weak and/or for expressing feelings of uncertainty, not being sure, being scared: feeling vulnerability. Sometimes it’s hard to be a man!
Men tend to be good at hiding, ignoring or dismissing difficult feelings – such as feeling flawed, inadequate or not enough – and so the prospect of opening up to another human being about such feelings is understandably threatening and scary.
It can be very difficult for men to find a situation or a person who they feel they can open up to without being judged or shamed for not measuring up.
Such a space can rarely be found in the workplace because men are supposed to be demonstrating how well they are performing. It can be difficult to open up in a relationship too because men are supposed to be stable and in control, and with friends men can sometimes feel a pressure of appearing to be happy, self-assured and content.
(* The limitations of a Counsellors confidentiality will be discussed in the first session).
If you have been struggling with not feeling enough or with any other difficulties that are not mentioned above, and you think I might be able to support you, then please get in contact for a no-obligation 10 minute chat, or email.
Please click here for my contact details.
‘Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.’
Albert Einstein
Sometimes when gay or bisexual men read phrases such as ‘we are putting together a team of men’ there can be a tendency to question whether it includes them. So just to be clear I am affirmative of all sexualities and have experience of working with heterosexual men, gay men and bi men.