One of the things that I often hear from the partners of those who are struggling with Sex Addiction (SA), Problematic Porn Use (PPU) and Compulsive Sexual Behaviour (CSBD), is “how could they have been so selfish”.
Yet when it comes to the actual clients that I have helped recover from SA, PPU and CSBD, selfishness is not a characteristic that they would at first, readily identify with. And this is because, if anything, they would see themselves more as being people pleasers (not a term that I like, but it usefully helps to describe the behaviour whereby someone habitually prioritises the needs of others over and above their own needs). So on one level, not selfish at all.
When considering how people with people pleasing tendencies come to struggle with SA, PPU or CSBD, it is helpful to refer to the Drama Triangle. Created by Stephen Karpman in 1968, the drama triangle posits three possible unhelpful roles that people can fall into. The roles are not necessarily fixed, and people can switch between roles.
The roles are: victims, rescuers and persecutors.
I won’t go into detail about these different roles here, because you can easily do a Google search for “The Drama Triangle” to find out more.
But people with people pleasing tendencies tend to be rescuers. They’ll put the needs of others above their own. In fact they may even feel that they themselves don’t really have any specific or particular needs. Which is not the case because we all have needs – see my blog post “Sometimes it’s hard to be a Man”. Often in my therapeutic work with clients, I support them to understand that they have needs and to be able to identify what they are.
A common trait of people who struggle with SA, PPU and CSBD is that on the surface they will appear that their lives are on track. They look like they’ve got life sorted and they know what they are doing and where they are going in life etc.
But look below the surface, and this is where the secretive sexual acting out behaviour takes place. The acting out behaviour acts either as a way of alleviating stress, anxiety and insecurity about underlying worries or, it serves as a way of having something just for themselves.
If someone is taking care of everything and everyone else in their life, prioritising other peoples needs over their own authentic needs or denying that they have needs in the first place, then problematic sexual behaviour can be something that they reserve just for themselves – ‘me time’ if you like.
However, the secrecy, betrayal and lack of integrity involved in this behaviour is, of course, completely selfish, as my clients come to realise!
Helping my clients recover from Sex Addiction, Problematic Porn Use, and Compulsive Sexual Behaviour, involves helping them to first, acknowledge they they do have needs, second, to help them to be able to identify those needs, and third, to find ways to authentically address those needs in a way that is in alignment with their values, hopes and integrity.
If any of this resonates with you and you feel that you could use my support. Then get in touch and start taking action today. Recovery is definitely possible. Let me show you how.
You can find my contact details here. Please feel free to call, text or email. I offer a discreet and effective counselling service.